Edible, Audible, Obsessible

As the stars would have it, I was born on the day of moderation. This morning, as I was happily feasting on my mid-morning breakfast of plain-ole White Hen Pantry crab-meat and a cylindrical power bullet of Red-Bull, it occurred to me that I have odd eating habits.

And when I become menstrual, it gets even stranger,...as if I were actually with child. Think, a jar of Marshamallow Fluffernutter and a can of well-oiled anchovies. Yes, together.

I become obsessed with certain foods from time to time. Don't know why, but this goes the same for music, as well. When I hear a song I love, I listen to it over and over and over and over and over again until one day, I place it into my proverbial steel-trap, never to be forgotten. It's not that I come to despise the song, but, I've had my fill, craving pacified.

I never go-about anything half-assed. For me, it's always been either full-force, head-on or not so much. Meaning -- I prefer to completely give of myself or give into whatever it is that I set out to accomplish and if I don't, it's pretty much total failure; I'm talking failure,...that of the ballistic realm. I have an arsenal filled with these stories, but for now, I only share with you the anecdotes.

Which brings me to this: I'm also about finding absolute balance in life. Which makes me wonder if finding my absolute balance, so to speak has just about everything to do with going into and out of cycles of learning, experiencing, feeling, obsessing, reeling, dealing and healing?

And so I press onward with being as human as humanly possible without casting judgment on myself and welcoming each and every edible, audible, obsession that comes my way.

Indulge yourself sometime, you may just find the reward in the balance you're craving.

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Right Down The Line

As I was driving home from work tonight, I hear this obscure, late 70's song on the radio that instantly brings me back to my childhood, vividly recalling the moment I thought about what it would be like to be a grown-up; all while stragically poking away at an artistic 3-D re-creation of my bedroom window to the outside world and into my Lite-Brite canvas.

Yes, as a child, I thought about the future, often. I had great expectations of myself and I didn't think anything could nor would deter me from finding happiness, from finding true love.

The song I heard at that time made me feel this deeply-welled inspiration inside of me that let me know everything would be okay no matter what. Although I didn't understand the lyrics at the time, it was the cadence of the rhythm that drew me in.

And tonight, as I was switching between radio stations, I hear this song again for the first time in years and my heart wells up. It was the perfect moment in time for me to hear it play on. Just me and the cool vocals of Gerry Rafferty.

This time, while listening to how effortlessly the lyrics melded into every pulse and every chord with every word sung, it felt like I was falling in love for the first time for all the right reasons.

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Dreaming In Blogland

I do it. And, so do you. Or at least, that's what a handful of my readers have been telling me. I find it amusing that my dreams as of late have consisted of meeting those of you out there that I may have yet to meet or those of you that I may never actually meet in person.

Thanks for the visits. It's been rather refreshing to make these lucid connections and I'm glad to have occupied your thoughts enough to make a personal appearance in your dreams as well. I often wonder what it is that makes us dream as we do -- fascination, preoccupation, validation?

Whatever it may be, I'm happy to be dreaming in vivid, living color.

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Stranger Than Fiction

Just so you know,...I was hesitant about revealing this post to the world.

But I thought it out short and sweet and decided, it's the truth dammit and we all know that truth is so much stranger than fiction. Dismiss me as a kook. Go ahead. I put it out there, you can judge all you want. Cue Twilight Zone theme, etcetera.

Lately, as in the past few days, I've been, ehm -- noticing,...er, uh, cough, phlegh, hack,...things out-of-the-corner-of-my-eye. Yes, eye, as in singular. My right eye to be exact.

These occurrences have me questioning my environment, my attitude, my work and my abilities in a WTF manner, if you will. Why now? I have stability in my life that I created on my own. There is no stress in my life, only peace of heart and mind. All is well in my neck-o-the-noodle-woods, so to speak.

So, I wonder -- what gives?

Thing is, what I've been noticing is this -- momentarily fleeting, almost perfect outlines of transparent figures that disappear just as instantaneously as they appear. There. I said it.

If you're thinking this could be explained by the scientific rationale of Cones and Rods, I know. I've read about em. Studied em in Human Bio when I aced my first ever college exam on the human bod.

You see, I'm a firm believer in the very tangible science of life. Thing is, I'm also a firm believer (from very real personal experience) in the intangible that absolutely must exist on a higher spiritual plane. Which in turn, likely makes me a firm conduit to the synergistic ebb and flow of other matter that radiates around us. Just an intuitive hunch.

Meh -- Maybe I should just pipe down on the Valerian Root Extract at bedtime.

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Taking The Reigns

I've been reaching out more than ever lately and it feels really good. I've also been making a truly great group of friends at work at the hospital and that too -- feels really good. It's been years since I've had my own life to live -- a venue to call mine-all-mine and I had nearly forgotten what it was like to feel that liberating sense of being me at my best. My best meaning -- simply happy to exist in the comraderie of others.

Deep down, I'm a good girl with a kind and caring heart that only wants the best for you. I got so caught up in trying to be the epitome of perfection for so many years that I lost my true identity. I really did.

It's great to be back in the saddle-o-life and I'm looking forward to what paths may cross my own and those that come my way.

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Carelessness

I literally overbooked myself today and didn't realize it until 1am this morning when I woke in a mild panic--dreaming that I got fired from both of my jobs because of my carelessness. I'm supposed to be in two places at once today within the same time frame. This is what I get for trying to play superwoman for the past seven months. It caught up to me.

I am human. I err.

My latest landslide-in-the-making is that I lost sight of the two people that I was requested to be responsible for at the clinic today for a 2pm appointment (that lasts a solid hour and a half)while the good doctor is far, far, away on holiday. He trusts me with the key and I gave him my word. Can't let him down. I'm also supposed to be working my 12-hour shift at the hospital today beginning at 3pm. Fudge-rockets.

I think this qualifies me for stating that I may actually be in dire need of a vacation.

And even then, when I'm away -- it worries me that my noodle may be thinking about all the work I'll have to catch up on when I return.

I think I need to go for a long run to clear my head. But first, I have a few phone calls to make.

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The Fourth of Suck

Living with two other fertile women has seriously screwed with my hormonal menstrual cycle. I've even planned for my first much-needed escape away in years with specific dates partly because I didn't want to have to cater to my crap ass feelings of bloat, nausea and irritability stemming from my keenly tuned olfactory senses on overdrive, enough to make me want to punch a small hole into a large wall, etcetera. Granted, some months are better than others. But, still.

And tonight, while driving back home after working a back-to-back shift, I notice an unslightly looking mess in the rearview mirror. Sasquatch, really. My brow hair growth had become something akin to unruly. Working two jobs, I haven't made time, nor found the time for upkeep. I enjoy being self-maintenence, but I decided sometimes, it's okay to let, ok, pay people to help you.

That was it. I needed a good waxing.

And $30 dollars later, what I ended up with after letting the esthetician know exactly what I did not want, was exactly in turn, what I got. Bitch.

Voila! I'm now sporting trannie brows. You know the kind of brows I'm talking about. Those pencil thin, robocop Terminator, freak of nature tattoo-looking brows. And, it did not make my day.

I realized my own thin line that I was treading when I took a good look at myself in the mirror tonight:

1. Never, NEVER trust anyone to do anything better than you can already do on your own.

2. As much as I thought my days of caring too much about what I look like had long since faded,...the ugly, viral, seeds of vanity, planted long ago had once again begun weeding their way back into my life.

Double Fuck.

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The Power of Three

She presented into the ER this morning at 3am with a debilitating anxiety attack. She felt like she was having a heart attack. Margarita couldn't breathe. She felt her throat close up and she felt like she was going to die.

She told me so when I first met her during my shift today at exactly 11:11am this morning. I saw a woman crying silently in a room and I entered. I felt drawn to her. There are certainly times in my life where I know when to keep my distance and this was nothing of the sort. I walked into her room and asked her how she was doing. She looked at me and said, "I'm okay now. I've just been dealing with a lot of stress the past few days. My father died from a stroke the other day and I've been a wreck. I wish I could've told him I loved him before he died."

She goes on to ask me, "Did you know him? He was here in the ER on Tuesday. I saw the moment his heart stop beating and I've fallen apart since then. I told my mother to leave this morning at 7am to go home and get some sleep. We're flying his body back to Puerto Rico to be buried in our hometown."

I tell her, "I understand how frightening panic attacks can be. I battled them for seven years." She asks me, "How did you learn to deal with them?" I tell her, "One day, I just broke down and fell to my knees. I begged God to please take them away from me because they were too much for me to handle on my own, that I could no longer bear the weight of pain by myself."

She looked at me and said, "That's exactly what my father would say. He was such a spiritual man. He was so amazing. He loved our family so much. I had the best childhood. I was his only daughter and he treated me like a queen. We didn't have much, but what we did have, he gave to us in unconditional love."

Suddenly, without thinking a morsel of what I was about to say, this comes out of mouth: "I think your father is here with us. I think he's listening to us right now. Whenever you want to talk to him, he's here to listen."

I don't know what the hell came over me at that moment but those words came out of me like they were born for her to hear.

I look at the curves of her face while she was speaking to me and I saw a familiarity in her eyes. When she spoke her father's name, it became clear to me. I couldn't believe it. I got these goosebumps all over my body and thought, how is it that the mysteries of the universe are revealed to us exactly as they are?

Truth be known: I was speaking with the daughter of the very man who I have been wondering about for the past three days since I saw his autopsy performed in front of my eyes while prayed for his soul to find peace. The same day I witnessed a single dime just laying there in the middle of the morgue floor; a floor that should be spotless. The very day I was asked if I was alright because the other two doctors present in the morgue looked at me as if I was about to pass out, when in fact I was in complete awe of an omnipresence.

It's said that when you see a dime, the spirit of a person who has passed away, is trying to get a message to you. Take it or leave it, the experience that is -- it happened to me and I'm a believer.

His name was David. He was an extremely spiritual man who had a loving family and died knowing his life's purpose. I felt like I was meant to meet this woman. As if her father was speaking through her, through me, for the all-consuming guilt to be spared and for his daughter's heart to heal, one day at a time.

I'm not here to preach, I'm here to share this serendipitous story because life has a way of showing us that there's more to living than what we can ever see with our own eyes.

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Having The Ganas

After functioning on auto-pilot for the past few weeks, working back to back shifts with only 6 hours of sleep before I get back on my own two feet for yet another 12 hour day,...I confess that I am exactly spent, but I'm alright. I proved to myself that I can actually do it.

I have the ability to break on through to the other side. It's tough, but I battle through every day. Some days are insane, but it's a tedious cycle that doesn't break for anyone -- and I like the commitment it takes.

I do what I do because I want to.

I want to enjoy my life for exactly as I'm living it; helping others is what gives me the ganas to wake at 5am and make it happen, all over again.

I've been meeting some great people at work lately. And, it makes me feel good to know that most of the people I work with have the same mission in their lives. I'm doing well these days. I'm exhausted, but happy to be alive and well, making the choice to make a difference in living a life well lived.

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I Saw Death

I did. It happened. At 2pm today. And it was difficult to digest.

Working in an ER, you see a lot of life and death experiences and today was the first time in my entire life witnessing the full autopsy of a 50 year old man. Today, I fully understood what it was like to stare a death in the face.

I couldn't help but wonder,... Who was this man? Did he have a family? What did he do in his life that gave him happiness? Where is his soul now? Is his spirit in the room with us?

So many questions, but one resounding answer: He was Gone.

I kept thinking, What if that were my cold, naked body split open on that table? And then it hit me. We are born to live fully in each moment and anything less than this, is a life lived, unwell.

I will never compromise myself for anything less than I deserve out of being alive and able to do anything I want.

What I want most out of this life is to create new life, to care for, to nurture and to guide new life and into this wonderfully mysterious world as spiritual beings on a human journey.

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